I found myself typing into google one day “How to Start a Blog?” The first question to pop up on almost every search was “what do you want your blog to be about?”
Well, Sh*t. I don’t know exactly what I want it to be about or how it will help people even. I don’t want it to promote some sort of idea or opinion on to others. I’m not looking to sell some sort of answer or magic cure to anyone’s problems. The question for me isn’t really in the what it will be about rather than the why I am writing it in the first place. Why do I as a single mother of 3 boys and a bonus baby who is attending college full time to obtain her master’s degree want to spend what little free time, I have writing a blog that nobody needs or probably cares about or will even care enough to take the time to read. Well that last part right there is my reason. “Who will even care enough to read it?” This is the kind of opinion I hold for myself. I have such little value and confidence in the things I have to say and offer that I always prevent myself from saying anything at all. A long time ago I decided that nobody cares what I have to say. They wouldn’t believe me anyway. I’m not charismatic. I’m not funny. I’m annoying. I’m not smart enough. I’m too loud. I’m not creative enough. I’m not gifted or talented. These are some terrible affirmations I have to say. I have nothing to offer to further any narrative so why speak. If you don’t have anything of value to say than you should say nothing at all. Funny I think I might have heard a similar phrase to that one most of my life. I always felt that what matters was not what I thought or said but rather what other people think and say especially if it’s regarding me. I will soak up their opinions and hang on every word like a sponge receiving a drop of water on a hot summer day. Every time I would go to speak in life, I would ask myself a list of questions similar but not limited to these:
- What should I say?
- How should I say it?
- Did they receive that well?
- Do they like me?
- What can I do to ensure they like me?
- How can I adjust what I am putting out so they perceive me in a way that I want to be perceived.
- How can I make sure they love me?
The answer to that last one I can’t. I can’t make the whole world love me. Nobody can. Even Blake Lively has haters believe it or not and she has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen! See the questions I should’ve been asking all along are as follows:
- What do I want to say?
- What do I think about that?
- Am I saying what I mean and meaning the things I say?
- What tone am I saying things is it in alignment with who I wish to be?
- Do I like the person I am showing up as?
- What can I do to ensure I am showing up true to myself?
- How can I make sure that I am speaking up properly for what I think and feel?
- How can I make sure that I love me?
It is finally time I stop telling myself that what I think doesn’t matter and that I don’t have anything to offer the world with my words and opinions. I might not have the cure to cancer or a talent that sets me out from all the rest proving that I am better than anyone because honestly, I’m not and I might not be destined to be. In a world full of so many extraordinary people we can easily forget that we are allowed to be just ordinary and still hold value. I am allowed to tell my side of my own story proudly with confidence. I am allowed to admire what I have been through and the journey my life has taken and find value in my own thoughts, words, and opinions even if not another living human on this planet ever gives a damn. If I don’t say who I am other people will do it for me based solely on their limited perceptions of who they think I was at the time in which they met me. That small fragment of time where my life touched another’s not who I am even if we spent years together you never felt what I felt, saw what I saw, did what I did, lived the moments of my life. You don’t here the thoughts in my head. You aren’t affected by the hormones in my body. The traumas I still hold onto. You don’t hear the mean way I talk to myself sometimes. You don’t watch the memories on repeat of some of my greatest and worst experiences. You don’t know what I’ve done that I regret and why I did it to begin with. You may be trying to come up with a reason and building your own story in your head as to who I am. I always thought that’s fine let others build the story then, but I was flawed in this thinking because others will never know me the way I do. They won’t paint me in the light that I know to be mine. I know who I am, and I am learning everyday to love that wonderful woman inside me. To let her take the reins. To let her explore what she wants to be and where her place in the world is. I will be 30 this year (I’ll never admit this in writing ever again so take note)and I feel as though I wasted the first 30 years of my life trying to figure out who I need to be that will make the world accept me instead of learning to love the unique world of entangled experiences that make me who I am. I have feared aging my entire life because it feels like I’m running out of time to figure out who I am going to be. I don’t know how much time I get on this planet none of us do and death is not what scares me but continuing to live without ever really showing up in my life absolutely terrifies me. Every year that goes by that I still don’t know who I am and show up as that chick confidently is another year wasted in my opinion. So, what is this blog about it’s about showing up for myself. Voicing my opinions. Shouting out to the world this is what I think matters. These are words I think hold value. I’m not exactly sure what that will look like I feel like I’m beginning something with no real clue where the road will take me, and I am just going to think on my toes as I go. Take steps to discovering myself how ever my intuition tells me to and trust that I will end up in a place where I am at peace knowing I showed up for me today. At the end of the day, I have to start telling myself that I give a sh*t! even if nobody else does. Even if the only thing that ever comes from this is I become prouder of who I am and speak loudly that person out onto the world I will have everything I hope to gain in expressing my inner truths showing myself I care what I think and have to say. The reason for it being shared publicly well that’s just …
# Incaseyougiveash*t
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