Beltane is celebrated on May 1st. The word ‘Beltane’ originates from the Celtic god ‘Bel’ an Irish word for ‘fire’. This festival should be celebrated by lighting a Bonfire. The fires recall the growing power of the sun, and it is an opportunity to cleanse and renew the conditions of the community. Of course a community bonfire wasn’t really something you can call up on a random Monday. I could light a smaller fire, however, and narrow the community down to my household. Fire symbolizes purity and cleansing. I decided to light a green candle. The things I am hoping to bring in are centered around love, heart chakra, intimacy, home and family, peace, prosperity, and success so I found green to be the most fitting. Beltane or May day as it is commonly called is a wonderful day to welcome the sun and the summer seasons. I harnessed the sun’s energy today by doing yoga and a dance meditation in front of the window and felt the sun on my body as I held the poses. I woke up today with all the energy I want to manifest into my life. I woke up ready to go present and engaged feeling wonderful. I made a wonderful healthy breakfast for my kids. I did school to help my toddlers learn. I planned the weeks meals and went shopping. I got a lot of fresh fruits and veggies to nourish my body. I had a wonderful workout. I had an amazing meditation. Today I lived the inspired actions of the person I most desire to be.
In the last few weeks and the weeks leading up to Beltane I have been extremely drawn to the essence of spring. Never in my life have I had much of a green thumb I’ve managed to kill cacti in my day (quite the feat). Lately, I have acquired many new house plants and learned a lot about gardening in preparation to plant some veggies at the end of the month. I planted a bunch of broccoli seedlings though only two sprouted I may need a better seedling station going forward (there is a learning curve here). I was so extremely excited to see those little buds poke out and get more excited even still when I see them getting bigger. Me and the kids made May poles and flower wands a tradition of Beltane. We have gone hiking and made flower beds. My fiancée and I have decided to move forward with purchasing our house and have began making so many renovations every weekend having a new project. We have been working so wonderfully as a team. I think the last few weeks have really had a central theme on my physical body and the physical world. How am I engaging in the world around me. Am I present and aware making conscious decisions that are in alignment with the manifestations and life I am trying to call in. I think a key part of manifestation that often is holding us up is that we tend to think we just have to visualize it and then have faith it will come, when we also need to make the grounded day to day changes in our actions to inspire these changes and give them the pathway they need to come to fruition. This has always been the part I have struggled with. I’ve lived so long inside my own head imagining a world far beyond my reality, however, it always stayed in my head because I wasn’t grounded enough to make the changes I need too. I experienced a lot of pain and heartache in my younger years of life. I somewhere along the line convinced myself it was better to not feel my physical body to not be to grounded in the real world because that would lead to disappointment or worse pain. I was prone to escapism. I don’t think this is a bad thing though I think it was necessary, however, when ungrounded in the day to day you can’t influence the present the right here right now and without that you won’t make any changes. Of course, I had to ground myself somehow right because as I’ve witnessed the mind can go to the darkest and farthest of places so beyond the physical realty when not rooted in something. I truly think that when my emotions and mind got to much for me to handle and interfered with my reality I would ground with heavy food that made me feel more aware of my body or cigarettes because I swear to this day I wasn’t addicted to nicotine rather I was addicted to the habit of smoking. I was addicted to those fleeting moments where I would have nothing to do but sit there and smoke. Moments of grounding. It was when I quit smoking that I realized the emotional connection I had to it. I started smoking when I was 18 after my first real heartache. I used it from there to ground myself whenever I felt unpleasant emotions and feelings. My body would begin to stress out and get overwhelmed and I would smoke and relax a little. Without that habit I had to learn to self-regulate my own emotions. This has been a slow process and I have no where need perfected it but becoming more and more regulated daily. I’ve begun truly tracking my mood swings and hormones and specific times they seem to fluctuate. These few weeks have been challenging me internally to become hyper aware of all the things in my life that had to be removed and still must be removed to work towards the life I am destined to have.
It hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows though I have also had to realize a lot of anger issues I have had. A lot of manipulation and sadness that was still showing up in my soul. I had a lot of inner work during this time. A couple of times I had feelings of anxiety and panic. Deep emotional and mental change is not at all comfortable. Grounding my body meant feeling stored energy and learning about parts of myself I had long ignored and pretended didn’t exist. There was a moment when I was thankful to have a therapy session scheduled in all the healing. I learned in my yoga how I struggled to breath with my belly as I have limited connection to my belly possibly from years of pretending it didn’t exist because I convinced myself that it was disgusting. A lot of themes around how much I have bullied myself and how harmful my thoughts are to my growth and healing. During this time, I had a lot of run ins with death and the concept of if I don’t start taking better care of my body and diet than death is a very real possibility for me something I’ve never thought much on, but looming thoughts were cause of extreme anxiety where I would physically shake. Often people talk about the beautiful sides of healing it's important to understand that it isn’t beautiful. Its deep, raw, real, painful, terrifying, it’s seeing parts of ourselves we intentionally tried to ignore, and it is pushing through while literally shaking with discomfort and terror because we would rather do absolutely anything than stay where we are.
I was kept isolated from the world so I could have a deeply personal dive into who I am, who I want to be, and what my life would look like and feel like if I was living as who I wanted to live as without influence of others. I am being challenged to start having more conscious control and awareness to my words, my hormones, my health, my career, my knowledge, my goals, my emotional control and regulation, my daily routines, my affirmations, my organization, my parenting, my relationships, and all these things that make up who I am. I’ve had a lot of time to think and contemplate and release things that no longer serve in this vision. The experience these last few weeks has been so surreal. I’m doing all of this in preparation as I have one of the biggest years of my life next year. Starting next January, I will begin my internship and start truly learning how to be a good social worker. A lot of my healing has circled around this as well. I’ve had to do a lot of healing work around the misconceptions and false beliefs that I won’t be good enough, I won’t find an internship, or I won’t be able to balance it all. I must truly work on confidence and self-love in terms of ensuring that I continue to see myself as worthy and deserving of all my achievements. I have been led down this path and it feels so clear to me that I was always meant to help people become mentally stronger to learn that they have power over their own minds that what we constantly think and feel has such intense power to create real movement but how can I teach people that if I don’t myself have it? Who says I don’t. Just me. I choose what information I will learn, if I don’t stop trying, I will eventually succeed. Also, In the summer next year, I will ‘cast a spell’ on my wedding day on the new moon in Cancer to bring about blessings and manifestation energy in areas of home and family. I decided to celebrate all these holidays actually as a means to set myself up for clearing out what does serve me to make way for the blessings, I will be asking for on my wedding day. I will be asking my friends and family to help bring in blessings and peace to my home and family. I will continue to learn, grow, and heal. I will continue to ask for guidance in whatever forms they may come. I will continue to give thanks and gratitude for the journey my soul is on in this lifetime and all that I have learned and still have yet to learn. I will continue to believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be and being led and inspired in every word, action, and encounter. I will have all the people, connections, opportunities, and pathways I need as my only goal in life should be to enjoy as much as I possibly can for as long as I can.
At the end of the day our only goal should be to live fully everyday and try our hardest to have a positive influence to those around us. Who knows what inspired actions could be our own personal legacies. The greatest people in history never knew they were anything special. They didn’t know that for years to come they would be admired for their actions. They simply knew that the only way to make change was through inspired action. They made the choice to take action every day from a place of wanting to have a positive influence on the word even if they would’ve died before having made those impacts they wouldn’t have know any different they still would’ve died the same way taking inspired action. At the end of the day I don’t honestly care if not a single person gives a shit as long as I die knowing that I tried my very hardest to be something I thought the world could use. A kind, creative, inspired, and grateful woman. So basically I’m growing like the may flowers after some April showers #incaseyougiveashit
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