#Incaseyougiveash*t

12 Days of Yule 

On the actual day of Mabon and the fall harvest, as I’m come to view it, I had a wedding out of town back in my hometown not a place I particularly love to frequent in this time frame of my life. The energy shift for me is uncomfortable and unpleasant.  It’s becoming more and more apparent at how sensitive I am becoming to the influence of my environment.  I was so thankful to have this wedding planned at this time, however, I was happy to receive the invite and looking forward to my dreaded ride to my homelands.  Don’t get me wrong, the actual place itself is beautiful and blessed with many natural resources and the small town feels so safe yet less still than what it once did.  kind of like the rest of the world really. A little less safe.  A little more broken people.  People who gave up and in a long time ago.  People you once saw glow barely holding onto a sparkle.  Life having hit them just the same as it hits everyone else.  Each one of them now having experienced more loss and grief than they did in high school.  The star football player and one of the most popular guys in school looks like he experienced more pain in 10 years than some do in 30.  More fortunate than some but a whole lot less fortunate than others.  Kind of the theme for me really, I learned a lot of lessons about gratitude and how it works during this cycle. I typically start these explaining what Mabon is in length and the historical facts and traditional ways of celebrating it and how I chose to celebrate it.  This one though feels different than that, more internal, more personal.  Not able to put the mask over the experience of it.  Don’t get me wrong, I know those things and I played the part.  I decorated the altar and learned all about it but this one wasn’t a surface level experience to celebrate. It was a journey.  It was letting the walls be destroyed and the house be a little exposed to the elements and experiencing the discomfort.  All while testing your ability to give gratitude to your harvest no matter what that harvest appeared to be whether perceived as good or bad.  How can you be grateful for the things in life when they don’t feel like a blessing at all, they feel more like a kick in the face telling you to stop trying to be anything different than what you are.  Stay down, don’t bother.

August 1, 2023

               Hold on to your seatbelts ladies and gentlemen as this is a long ride. This is now my 4th pagan holiday I have chosen to observe and learn about and see how this practice influences my inner journey and growth for my life.  This is the first time I am writing and posting this not on the day of the actual holiday but rather the following day.  The why behind this is quite significant in its own way.  But first about Litha as it’s written in the research I have done.

               Beltane is celebrated on May 1st. The word ‘Beltane’ originates from the Celtic god ‘Bel’ an Irish word for ‘fire’. This festival should be celebrated by lighting a Bonfire.  The fires recall the growing power of the sun, and it is an opportunity to cleanse and renew the conditions of the community. Of course a community bonfire wasn’t really something you can call up on a random Monday. I could light a smaller fire, however, and narrow the community down to my household.  Fire symbolizes purity and cleansing.  I decided to light a green candle. The things I am hoping to bring in are centered around love, heart chakra, intimacy, home and family, peace, prosperity, and success so I found green to be the most fitting. Beltane or May day as it is commonly called is a wonderful day to welcome the sun and the summer seasons.  I harnessed the sun’s energy today by doing yoga and a dance meditation in front of the window and felt the sun on my body as I held the poses.  I woke up today with all the energy I want to manifest into my life. I woke up ready to go present and engaged feeling wonderful.  I made a wonderful healthy breakfast for my kids. I did school to help my toddlers learn.  I planned the weeks meals and went shopping.  I got a lot of fresh fruits and veggies to nourish my body.  I had a wonderful workout.  I had an amazing meditation. Today I lived the inspired actions of the person I most desire to be. 

Post my celebration of the wiccan sabbat of Imbolc where I created a ritual of traditional pagan practices and celebration such as making the doll and other practices, I have explored deeply what areas of my life could be cleared out to make room for new energies.  I have truly felt alive, inspired, and brand new.  My communication in my intimate relationship has shown improvement but most importantly my response to my intimate partner has improved.  I have been proud of myself for the boundaries I have set in my relationship.  Once upon a time codependency issues stemming from a childhood of uncertainty and insecurity I would’ve crumbled and cried myself to sleep post disagreement with my partner wondering what I could do to be better to prevent disagreements and things that make me feel unloved and unworthy from happening.  Now I had a similar dilemma, and I simply went to sleep I didn’t let it affect me emotionally and mentally and decided my peace was more worth my time.  I woke up motivated and energized.  My relationship isn’t the only improvements I’m seeing mentally at this time. My self confidence has improved and I’m taking better care of myself and my environment.  My ability to regulate my emotions and control my behaviors when triggered by certain emotions is also improving.  I even pushed my weekly therapy appointments out 3 weeks twice now because I didn’t feel I need it at the time.  I was basically just using my therapist as a sounding board to tell her all the wonderful thoughts and discoveries I was making about my internal world.  I am waking up everyday with intention and gratitude.  Taking vitamins, drinking lots of water, eating healthier, I have started doing more routines and structured activities with the twins to teach them more knowledge to prep for PreK next year, I’m not just cooking meals but enjoying it as I dance and sing to my favorite songs. I’ve gotten more organized, patient, playful, and energetic.  I truly have felt like I have a fire under my arse to be successful in life to finally start building a life that is more authentic to me and more fulfilling.  I desire to just allow myself to be happy and know I deserve it.  I am so blessed and grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life.  I have also been doing a lot of creative projects.  I may have received the wonderful gift of a laminator for all my creative projects to be safe to keep forever that has me laminating literally everything.  The changes I am seeing could have nothing to do with imbolc and the ritual, spells, or activities I offered at the time but it is a strange coincidence that the changes started to occur so rapidly and clearly following the ceremony.  Also, might be a TMI moment but some people in the spiritual communities might find it interesting so #incaseyougiveash*t side note since the ritual I have had two full moons and both of which aligned with my menstrual cycle both phenomena historically linked to releasing the old and birthing new energy in spiritual and wiccan communities.

        As tacky as it is to admit I started the new year with a new year new me kind of attitude.  Something I have honestly done a trillion times up to this point in life. No surprise there though doesn’t everyone isn’t that the point in new year’s resolutions?  Why gym memberships go up in price and you can’t find a treadmill in the month of January. Regardless of how “basic” it may be, I set my intentions anyways.  You know the usual things I wanted to be more grateful, motivated, patient, kind, a better parent, partner, student, daughter, and friend.  I wanted to drink more water and eat healthier and start taking care of my body of course first that would involve actually being present inside it but who has time for minor details when looking at the big picture.  My motto for life I want to be I want to have but I don’t want to take the tedious steps to get there because blah it’s more fun in fantasy where it comes so easy.  So, the usual list of sh*t to change about myself was formed. Basically, a sh*t list of why I’m not good enough and allowed to love who I am.  If I was more of …. than I would…. the endless narrative I’ve heard so many times before. However, this time it feels different it feels like that feeling where you just know you mean it this time.  You aren’t sure how or why or what’s different, but you feel like this is your last first step at making something more for yourself. Making a day to day more in line with who you truly are.  This time you’re really going to do it.  I recently had this feeling a few months ago in July when I decided to quit smoking a task, I had attempted many, many times before.  This time I just knew I was no longer a smoker I was going to be successful.  This same feeling came about me in this moment I just know I was going to change my life.